[Reader-list] Our war aims - in general

[Rana Dasgupta]

Our war aims - in general
http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,3604,588446,00.html

AL Kennedy
Tuesday November 6, 2001
The Guardian


And now our daily news report from Washington - your
other national 
capital.
Today, in our series of Clean Cut Americans - General
Elmer Coyote, 
former
commander of Gamma Force:

So, General, how can you help the tiny minority who
are feeling wobbly 
to
understand the sad necessity of our War
Against Badness, as currently conducted by our wise
and restrained 
leaders?

Thank you kindly, I'd be glad. First off, I'd have to
say that anyone 
who
is, as we put it in military circles, a real live
normal human being 
will,
by their very God-given nature, accept that everything
we're doing over 
in
Afghanistan and on the home front is absolutely for
the best.

As you know, the United States, and your United
Kingdom never interfere 
with
foreign powers, but once we are roused, we act. The
way may be stony, 
still
our will is strong and our war aims are absolutely
clear, although 
subject
to the secrecy which must inevitably arise in matters
of virtuous 
defence.

You couldn't give us a teeny clue about them, though?

We seek not to overthrow the Taliban, but to overthrow
the Taliban, 
which
may take a while, or not that long at all, if you
compare it to Vietnam 
-
not that you ever, ever should - and after victory we
will allow the 
Afghan
people to elect a new government, or we will allow
them to elect the 
new
government provided, which will be based, or not
based, around the 
Northern
Alliance which is either a really keen bunch of
patriots, or a rabble 
of
camel-jockey terrorists slightly less well-equipped
than the Taliban, 
and we
will find Bin Laden and we will kill him, or bring him
to justice in 
another
deadly way resulting in his law-abiding and perfectly
reasonable death 
when
vengeance will be ours, but not in a vengeful way.

And when this is all over, Afghanistan will be a happy
land, full of 
merry,
hopping children - hopping, mind you, not because they
are amputees, 
but
because they are living in an earthly paradise of
recognisable banking 
and
investment systems. We are fighting to defend our way
of life and don't 
you
forget it. Amen.

And could you expand a little on the qualities that
make our way of 
life so
very, very good?

I had the honour to teach the current commander of the
US forces when 
he was
a student at the College of Death Studies and he is a
fine, warm man. I
think of him now, because often we would sit up nights
and discuss what 
made
our way of life so precious. And it's, quite simply,
this: cowards,
terrorists, communists and Muslims, they kill
civilians on purpose, 
whereas
we in the west kill civilians as a sad necessity. We
don't enjoy it.

Some lunatics and subversives would say that, either
way, you still end 
up
with innocent casualties, mutilated babies
and so forth.

That is war and war is hell. And if they're so
innocent, what are they 
doing
in Afghanistan, anyway - the place is a shithole. And
if, for example, 
a
mother knows we decapitated her daughter with the very
best of 
intentions,
really as a kind of accident, it will surely make all
the difference to 
her.
And I know your prime minister agrees. That's part of
what makes the 
special
relationship so special.

Yes, what about that special relationship?

It's special. It's full of specialness and it's really
a relationship.
Which means?

That Britain and the Britishers, above all others,
understand that UK
politicians should be able to come stateside and
pretend they have more
influence than a bucket of hog piss over the most
powerful country in 
the
world.
And you also understand that, when all's said and
done, we're going to 
do
what we damn well like, because our interests are the
finest interests 
in
the world, but you can come along for the ride and
peripheral 
dividends. And
we could get a little sickened by all this whining
about grenades that 
look
like bandage rolls and "won't people get confused?"
and "why keep 
bombing
Red Cross stations?"

And the rumours that all US infantrymen who enter
Afghanistan carry a 
length
of pipe with instructions to connect and lay them in
the direction of 
the
Caspian?

Whatever this war is about, it is not about control of
the vast Caspian 
sea
oil deposits. The United States has never had any
interest in oil. 
President
Bush has never had any interest in oil. Neither the
United States or 
the
United Kingdom have ever cynically exploited a
conflict for their own
commercial advantage, or made a profit out of death.

So no worries there, then. Thanks.

Guardian Unlimited © Guardian Newspapers Limited 2001


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