[Reader-list] city notes01

[Tripta]

Dear all,
the following is the first of the diariy entry about the city of the city of 
me and the city. city and me. on insistence and encouragement from some 
friends i am posting it and will be doing so regularly. 
criticism comments continuations are welcome.
cheers
tripta
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First bike ride to north campus.
Second love.
loss of innocence
gain of momentum...

and ad mist all this we stopped at roadside paan walla to smoke. fear of 
being seen smoking by someone known bothered me then. but the strategic 
location of the paan walla in a corner away from the main road gave me the 
confidence to do something i would rather not be known for. then.

the hot summer evening. the hesitant cigarette puffs. the tensed 
conversation. lost in more than i could handle i imagined myself to be 
somewhere else. somewhere new. somewhere where no would know me. just then 
reality check happened.  with a jerk. someone from behind pulled my arm quite 
forcefully. fears and apprehensions of being caught, of being known came in 
way of my reflexes and it was after a few seconds, i turned around. 

my arm was still under the grip.

sitting on a rickshaw was a man of 25-27 suffering from epilepsy. this was 
worse than what i had imagined. i had seen epilepsy from very close quarters 
and was one of the things which made feel. how, i never been able to 
articulate. but it was the only real thing i felt. at least then.

i did not attempt to free my hand. i held his. and for another half hour i 
engaged in conversation with him and his sister. spoke about the medication. 
spoke of icecreams. candies and candles. fear of darkness and threat of 
light. 

he had to leave. so did i. at that moment i wanted to ask for his address and 
i hope that so did he. but before i could say anything he said, `phir 
milenge. yahin kahin.' 

around the corner. at the street. 
at the corner. around the street.

and as he said that i started crying. those were not the tears which have 
been forming and accumulating...they are the ones which just flood. and for 
another 10 minutes i just held his hand and cried. for me. for him. for the 
hurt anger angst anxiety guilt identity existence oblivion.

at that time i failed to comprehend why? the issues about space, city, space 
in the city, anonymity, crowds did not bother me then.

i just wanted my space. my corner where i could have my world. 

i had found my corner. IN the city. 

coming from a small town where no corner, no street, no house, no life is not 
under the big bother gaze. i felt rejuvenated. i had got beyond that gaze. 

In the City.

but lately i am feeling it again. the gaze. and somehow i prefer the earlier 
one. at least i could turn around and could look into the eyes which were 
looking at me. 

now i don't know who is? it could be anyone someone or everyone.

since then, which was years ago, i have smoked many more cigarettes, i have 
loved and left many but have lost my corner.

In the city.