[Reader-list] Is it the night which makes things dark or is it the darkness?

[Tripta]

The digital clock at the railway station showed 9:17 p.m. I had just seen off
 a friend and had to go back home. Alone.

The cacophony and the synchronized movement at the New Delhi railway station
 was blinding and i just waded my way across. The moment i stepped out I was
 suddenly gripped by a sudden fear. The fear was inexplicable. I could not
 put my finger on it.

Carrying that sensation, I approached the pre paid auto stand and got myself
 a voucher for my destination. And after much persuasion got an auto. Stopped
 at the corner paan shop and got myself cig's.

It wasn't that late. I have been out much later and in much worse situations.
And all this while i was trying very hard to figure out what i was feeling so 
uncomfortable about. Was it the departure of my friend? was it travelling 
alone? was it the night? or was it the darkness? the unfamiliarity? or was it 
just my imagination?

My trance was disrupted by comments from three `young men' in a maruti esteem 
closely following the auto i was travelling in. 

I knew it then as i know it now, feeling more secured being on familiar 
grounds, that nothing will happen. And that `nothing' i cannot define. What 
is the `something' of that `nothing' i don't know or maybe don't want to 
articulate? 

Those guys kept following. Disappearing at strange alleys and re-appearing 
suddenly. At one moment, I actually felt that I was following them more 
closely that they were. And in long, short, broad, wide of it 

I was Scared.

I meekly requested the auto driver to drop me at the nearest market place 
because i was too scared to go my place alone. The auto driver comlied. But 
before leaving he turned back and asked, `aap karti kya hain?'. In other 
situations, that is, during the Day I would have shouted at him. Yelled. And 
all of that.

During the day, i would also not be scared of men following. During the day, i 
would walk the streets alone. During the day, i would also not think about 
`nothing' happening. 

During the day, i would be okay. 

and that half an hour of tensed moments and anticipation and apprehensions, i 
thought of the accessories at the moment which would make me feel safer.

A mobile.
A Car.
or simply,
A male companion. 

What is about the night? what is about the city in the night? It's almost like 
demons in the head are let loose to play ping pong on the streets, with no 
referee to count the points.

And it made me wonder, when did i start feeling scared of the `darkness'? when 
did the need to reassure myself constantly about `nothing' happening arise?  
why does the city transforms so radically in the night? why do the 
agents/agencies associated with control, surveillance and inefficiency become 
the source of security and protection, for both: the offender and the victim? 
Why can't i let go the control and fear instilled by these agencies? why 
can't be fearless and feel free and safe? why does it always have to be 
`something' `someone' to make me feel that way? will i be able to navigate 
the city in the night? 

will i ever be okay in the night? what am i scared of in the night? why does 
the burden of my carrying myself become so difficult to bear? 

these are questions, i am not looking answer for.  and i am going to not go 
out in the night. and i am not going to get a car, a mobile or necessarily a 
male companion. 

but i am also not going to stop feeling scared going out alone in the night.