[Reader-list] The Official War Glossary

[Mridu Chandra]

The Official War Glossary
 	 	Well now this explains everything!   From the Seattle Weekly...
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The War: The Official War Glossary Doublespeak edition.
by Geov Parrish

As in all military actions (can we really call this one-sided massacre a
"war"?), government and media advocacy for the planned U.S. invasion of
Iraq has introduced a number of new words and phrases, or new usages of
existing ones, to the English language. Since many of these are directly
opposite of their intuitive meanings, we present here, for your reference,
a guide to some of these new linguistic developments. Keep this handy
guide by your TV for the next time Bush, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Franks, or
any of their minions appear on your screen.

    allies n: Tony Blair.

    collateral damage obs: The hapless schmucks that happen to be in the way 
when the U.S. bombs civilian facilities or residential neighborhoods. No 
longer in common usage since civilian deaths are now ignored entirely.
Other obsolete words and phrases include: Osama bin Laden, Afghanistan, 
budget surplus, economy, environment, corporate scandals, education, civil 
liberties, Constitution, Guantánamo Bay, and "the end of the war."

 	 	democracy n: The ideal form of a political system-now used 
interchangeably with the economic system called capitalism-in which a 
handful of wealthy people with occasional minor policy differences take 
turns enriching their patrons and being elected by a citizenry that is 
allowed no other choices; e.g., "We intend to turn Iraq into a democracy, 
just like the United States."

 	 	deterrent n: A category of military weapons that includes massive 
nuclear arsenals, space-based nuclear and laser weapons, and chemical and 
biological weapons research. Only applies when possessed by the United 
States.See weapons of mass destruction

 	 	disarm v.: To blow to smithereens; e.g., "Saddam Hussein's destruction 
of missiles is an impediment to U.S. plans to disarm Saddam Hussein."

 	 	embed v: To engage in an act of prostitution; e.g., "Hundreds of U.S. 
media outlets have elected to cover the war by having their reporters 
embedded in an American military unit."

 	 	empire abbr: A shortened form of the phrase American empire. A state in 
which 196 countries are eternally grateful, or should be, for being 
plundered by the 197th. See democracy.

 	 	homeland n: That portion of empire that got ignored because the 
Department of Defense is no longer used for defending.

 	 	oil n: Booty.

 	 	Old Europe n: Formerly "allies." A collection of countries too stuck in 
the mud or jealous to welcome empire. See world.

 	 	peace n: The mythical state achieved when the United States has a 
complete global monopoly on the use of military force. Not to be confused 
with "democracy," "freedom," or "justice." See empire.

 	 	people of Iraq n: See Saddam Hussein.

 	 	precision bombing n: Replaces smart bombs. What a morally enlightened 
country like the United States does. Involves using MOABs, daisy cutters, or 
up to 3,000 cruise missiles to create firestorms that convert oxygen to 
carbon monoxide and asphyxiate anyone within range of the miles-wide 
inferno, and then pretending that the resulting fatalities do not exist. See 
civilian casualties.

 	 	pre-emptive attack n: Replaces blitzkrieg. Unprovoked invasion of a 
country that poses no threat, esp. if that country is defenseless and has 
extensive reserves of oil.

 	 	proof n: Sales receipts, usually from before or just after the Gulf War; 
e.g., "We have extensive proof for the existence of Iraq's biological and 
chemical weapons."

 	 	reconstruction n: The lucrative process undertaken during the occupation 
of an invaded country, involving replacing buildings, bridges, and utility 
systems. There is nothing you can do to rebuild the people-fortunately, they 
never existed. See Saddam Hussein.

 	 	regime change n : Coup d'état.

 	 	Saddam Hussein n: The nation of Iraq, pop. 24,002,000 (2002 est.); area 
172,476 sq. mi. (slightly larger than California), centered on the Tigris 
and Euphrates rivers in Southwest Asia, previously known as Persia and
Mesopotamia; one of the oldest continuously civilized regions in the world. 
"Iraq" and "Saddam Hussein" are generally used interchangeably; e.g., "We're 
going to bomb the hell out of Saddam Hussein."

 	 	shock and awe n: War crime.

 	 	terrorism n: What they do.

 	 	terrorist n: Anybody who dislikes George Bush's policies. See unlawful 
combatant.

 	 	unlawful combatant n: Any opponent of George Bush's policies whom the 
U.S. government would prefer to have held indefinitely without trial. See 
Constitution.

 	 	war on terror n: A comprehensive marketing strategy to ensure the 
re-election of George W. Bush in 2004 by embroiling the United States in war 
for decades to come. Replaces these previous campaigns: "compassionate 
conservative," "fiscally responsible," "education president," and "he's 
really not as dumb as he looks."

 	 	weapons of mass destruction n: What they have. See deterrent.

 	 	world n: The collection of nations and peoples that thinks George Bush 
is
out of his freakin' mind.

 	 	gparrish at seattleweekly.com





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