[Reader-list] A letter to Bush junior

[avinash kumar]

Please Bomb Seattle, by Geov Parrish

DEAR PRESIDENT BUSH,
I write as a proud American and a resident of one of its many great 
cities: Seattle. You've probably heard of us-Space Needle, mountains, 
salmon, Microsoft. When you owned the Texas Rangers baseball club, your 
team was in the same division as our Mariners. We stunk back then. We 
hope you remain grateful. Oh, and Boeing sends its deepest love.

Mr. President, I have an enormous favor to ask of you:

Could you bomb us?

Not just once or twice for show; I mean really bomb the city of Seattle, 
hard, like what you're planning for Baghdad and probably for Pyongyang 
and Tehran and Damascus and whatever other 50 or 60 major world cities 
are in the Pentagon's files. Blast us back to the Stone Age. Make it 
hurt. Send us a message.

Don't hesitate or think too much about this-I wouldn't want you getting 
migraines or anything. But if you do, consider that we, too, are under 
the rule of a power-hungry leader we never voted for, one with 
unthinkable numbers of nasty weapons. But that's not all.

Mr. President, we're in the "blue" part of the country, the part that 
went for Gore, so I'm sure you'll understand that we've contributed more 
than our share of terrorists over the years. Those guys arrested a few 
weeks ago for stealing top-secret plans from the military? Our guys. 
We've been breeding them for years: the D.C. snipers, the Green River 
Killer, Ted Bundy-we "harbored" them all. To your talented staff, making 
the case that we're an international menace should be a breeze.

Mr. President, let's face it: The biggest threats to global security 
come from the biggest countries, not the smallest. To pull them into 
line, you'll need to convince them that you'd take anyone out, even your 
own mother. Even your own city.

Hit us, say, with one of those big new post-daisy-cutter MOAB bombs, the 
ones that kill just like Hiroshima's nuke except with less radiation. 
Maybe drop a few thousand cruise missiles so that the fireball extends 
all the way out past the suburban sprawl. Dumb, smart, whatever.

Doing this would give all Americans a far healthier respect for the new 
American empire you're creating. The problem with obliterating Baghdad 
and its 5 million people is that they're just too far away. For most 
Americans, the handiwork of your genius is simply too abstract to fully 
appreciate. However, if you take out a place like Seattle-a city they've 
likely visited, a place where they might have an old friend-it becomes 
much more real. And since we're only three time zones away, an attack 
here will get far more media coverage than attacking some obscure 
dictator's playpen. Just ask-I'm sure the networks will cooperate.

Even better, viewers will be able to more fully appreciate what your 
weapons do, because the survivors will look like them (except for the 
burns), even speak the same language (mostly), value human life just as 
much as they do. Our dilemmas will seem so much more vivid to our fellow 
Americans than the fate of 23 million stage props to Saddam Hussein. 
It'll make for some amazing reality TV shows.

And, of course, a wealthy city like Seattle, with its big skyline and 
modern infrastructure, means trillions in rebuilding contracts after the 
war-enormous windfalls you can award as party favors at your next 2004 
fund-raising dinner. If you ever get bored, you can just bomb us again! 
Bomb, rebuild, bomb, rebuild . . . now that's putting our economy to work!

All in all, Mr. President, I think it's a perfect fit for the new 
American empire you're constructing. It's an unprovoked attack upon a 
defenseless civilian population, based on crimes committed by either 
unaccountable leaders or psychotic individuals who passed through town. 
It'll make your friends even richer, and it'll contribute, far more 
directly than any overseas campaign, to your re-election success. Dead 
people can't vote Democratic. And we'll get a rebuilt Alaskan Way 
Viaduct out of the deal.

Now that you've thought about it, Mr. President, I'm sure you realize 
that you can't back down. I trust Secretary of State Colin Powell will 
be making the necessary representations to foreign powers shortly. I 
think you'll be surprised at how many nations will be willing, even 
eager, to help with this one. - Your patriotic friend, Geov Parrish

P.S. I'm moving to Phoenix. Soon.

P.P.S. Damn! I just remembered! We don't have any untapped oil reserves. 
I guess that calls this whole thing off, huh? Never mind.

[Courtesy of http://www.seattleweekly.com/features/0311/news-parrish.php.]