[Reader-list] (fwd) Hungrey and homless

[sanjay ghosh]

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Hungrey and homless 

John O'Farrell
Friday October 8, 2004
The Guardian 

Newspaper headlines are generally designed to terrify the public while the journalists who concoct them remain indifferent. But a story yesterday had the opposite effect; readers shrugged and turned the page while reporters everywhere spluttered on their pints, skipped breakfast and dashed straight to work. "The outsourcing of journalism," declared the Guardian, as the news agency Reuters began shifting its financial coverage to Bangalore. "This is an outrage!" said Telegraph leader-writers, who'd just finished an editorial about how British workers must accept pay cuts to compete with call centres in India. "These Asians..." ranted the Daily Star hacks - "they stay over there, and take our jobs!" 

Reuters journalists had been writing for some time about how cost-efficient it might be for corporations to take advantage of India's highly educated workforce. At least now they know that their bosses bother to read their stuff. "Breaking news will continue to be reported from the world's financial centres," wrote the media company's press secretary, struggling with the two removal men who were carrying out his desk. "Journalists miles away from the actual stories?" exclaimed one outraged cub reporter. "How will they check for mistakes?" At which point the entire newsroom looked at him with one eyebrow raised and he was quietly shown the door. 

Without anyone realising, this has been happening in local newspapers for some time. Trainee journalists in India get to their computers at 8am and by lunchtime have produced all the news stories that you read in your local freesheet. The template is straightforward; the software prompts the operator to make a series of simple choices to create a typical local news report... "Pensioner mugged for only 10p/50p/£1.20 (delete accordingly). "A cowardly attack on a local pensioner was carried out in broad daylight/in the park/in this court report I just read/earlier this week. The attacker was wearing a bomber jacket and jeans/a hooded top and trainers/and fled the scene with only _p (insert pitiful amount here). Police said this was a particularly despicable/shocking/vague/story and are warning pensioners to take extra care/stay inside/not to read their local newspaper and live in permanent terror." 

To balance up this routinely depressing item the would-be journalists are then presented with heart-warming reports such as "Hospice Hero Cycling to Scotland!" and "Brownies Cake Sale Takes the Biscuit!" to put above "notice of planning application for new conservatory". Then they just press "send" on their computer and the next day four copies of the local advertiser are pushed through your door. 

But now the software has been refined so that Indian computer operators can write the stories for British national newspapers too. The subject matter differs according to which newspaper the journalist writes for. Click on the Daily Mail icon and you get the headline "Asylum Seekers Threat to House Prices", and the piece pretty well writes itself from there - although the software prevents you deleting the words "mother of two", "fear" and "Islamic extremists". Click on the Sun and you get: "It's Christine Agui-Leera!" You just have to write the caption for a photo of an attractive young singer with a low-cut dress and faulty bra. 

Soon, London will be full of unemployed journalists, Fleet Street's finest former wordsmiths holding up cardboard signs saying "hungrey and homless - plese halp". And the placards of the Murdoch crew will include a plug for what's on Sky that night. 

But this is payback time for centuries of colonisation. Britain occupied India, imposed the English language and left the country significantly poorer, so that 200 years later it is cheaper to get Indians to compile our crosswords and review the new Dido album. Some former colonies are in a better position than others. "Right," says the finance minister of East Timor, "we're setting up an online news agency." 

"But we were colonised by Holland. I'm afraid there's not much call for Dutch financial journalism." 

"Even in the Netherlands?" 

"Nope, they speak better English than the Americans." 

Unless of course this is an elaborate plan to halt immigration. The presumption was always that third world workers hoped to come and work in the paradise that was Europe or America. Give them a few months of learning about the sort of newspapers we read and they'll all be saying: "Er, actually, I think I'll stay right here, thank you very much." 

Although this column will continue to be credited to John O'Farrell it has now been outsourced to topical comedy writers in southern India. No discernible change in standard is anticipated. 

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