[Reader-list] 'How to write about Africa'

[Jeebesh Bagchi]

http://www.granta.com/extracts/2615

'How to write about Africa'
Binyavanga Wainaina
some tips: sunsets and starvation are good

Always use the word 'Africa' or 'Darkness' or 'Safari' in your title.  
Subtitles may include the words 'Zanzibar', 'Masai', 'Zulu',  
'Zambezi', 'Congo', 'Nile', 'Big', 'Sky', 'Shadow', 'Drum', 'Sun' or  
'Bygone'. Also useful are words such as 'Guerrillas', 'Timeless',  
'Primordial' and 'Tribal'. Note that 'People' means Africans who are  
not black, while 'The People' means black Africans.

Never have a picture of a well-adjusted African on the cover of your  
book, or in it, unless that African has won the Nobel Prize. An  
AK-47, prominent ribs, naked breasts: use these. If you must include  
an African, make sure you get one in Masai or Zulu or Dogon dress.

In your text, treat Africa as if it were one country. It is hot and  
dusty with rolling grasslands and huge herds of animals and tall,  
thin people who are starving. Or it is hot and steamy with very short  
people who eat primates. Don't get bogged down with precise  
descriptions. Africa is big: fifty-four countries, 900 million people  
who are too busy starving and dying and warring and emigrating to  
read your book. The continent is full of deserts, jungles, highlands,  
savannahs and many other things, but your reader doesn't care about  
all that, so keep your descriptions romantic and evocative and  
unparticular.

Make sure you show how Africans have music and rhythm deep in their  
souls, and eat things no other humans eat. Do not mention rice and  
beef and wheat; monkey-brain is an African's cuisine of choice, along  
with goat, snake, worms and grubs and all manner of game meat. Make  
sure you show that you are able to eat such food without flinching,  
and describe how you learn to enjoy it—because you care.

Taboo subjects: ordinary domestic scenes, love between Africans  
(unless a death is involved), references to African writers or  
intellectuals, mention of school-going children who are not suffering  
from yaws or Ebola fever or female genital mutilation.

Throughout the book, adopt a sotto voice, in conspiracy with the  
reader, and a sad I-expected-so-much tone. Establish early on that  
your liberalism is impeccable, and mention near the beginning how  
much you love Africa, how you fell in love with the place and can't  
live without her. Africa is the only continent you can love—take  
advantage of this. If you are a man, thrust yourself into her warm  
virgin forests. If you are a woman, treat Africa as a man who wears a  
bush jacket and disappears off into the sunset. Africa is to be  
pitied, worshipped or dominated. Whichever angle you take, be sure to  
leave the strong impression that without your intervention and your  
important book, Africa is doomed.

Your African characters may include naked warriors, loyal servants,  
diviners and seers, ancient wise men living in hermitic splendour. Or  
corrupt politicians, inept polygamous travel-guides, and prostitutes  
you have slept with. The Loyal Servant always behaves like a seven- 
year-old and needs a firm hand; he is scared of snakes, good with  
children, and always involving you in his complex domestic dramas.  
The Ancient Wise Man always comes from a noble tribe (not the money- 
grubbing tribes like the Gikuyu, the Igbo or the Shona). He has  
rheumy eyes and is close to the Earth. The Modern African is a fat  
man who steals and works in the visa office, refusing to give work  
permits to qualified Westerners who really care about Africa. He is  
an enemy of development, always using his government job to make it  
difficult for pragmatic and good-hearted expats to set up NGOs or  
Legal Conservation Areas. Or he is an Oxford-educated intellectual  
turned serial-killing politician in a Savile Row suit. He is a  
cannibal who likes Cristal champagne, and his mother is a rich witch- 
doctor who really runs the country.

Among your characters you must always include The Starving African,  
who wanders the refugee camp nearly naked, and waits for the  
benevolence of the West. Her children have flies on their eyelids and  
pot bellies, and her breasts are flat and empty. She must look  
utterly helpless. She can have no past, no history; such diversions  
ruin the dramatic moment. Moans are good. She must never say anything  
about herself in the dialogue except to speak of her (unspeakable)  
suffering. Also be sure to include a warm and motherly woman who has  
a rolling laugh and who is concerned for your well-being. Just call  
her Mama. Her children are all delinquent. These characters should  
buzz around your main hero, making him look good. Your hero can teach  
them, bathe them, feed them; he carries lots of babies and has seen  
Death. Your hero is you (if reportage), or a beautiful, tragic  
international celebrity/aristocrat who now cares for animals (if  
fiction).

Bad Western characters may include children of Tory cabinet  
ministers, Afrikaners, employees of the World Bank. When talking  
about exploitation by foreigners mention the Chinese and Indian  
traders. Blame the West for Africa's situation. But do not be too  
specific.

Broad brushstrokes throughout are good. Avoid having the African  
characters laugh, or struggle to educate their kids, or just make do  
in mundane circumstances. Have them illuminate something about Europe  
or America in Africa. African characters should be colourful, exotic,  
larger than life—but empty inside, with no dialogue, no conflicts or  
resolutions in their stories, no depth or quirks to confuse the cause.

Describe, in detail, naked breasts (young, old, conservative,  
recently raped, big, small) or mutilated genitals, or enhanced  
genitals. Or any kind of genitals. And dead bodies. Or, better, naked  
dead bodies. And especially rotting naked dead bodies. Remember, any  
work you submit in which people look filthy and miserable will be  
referred to as the 'real Africa', and you want that on your dust  
jacket. Do not feel queasy about this: you are trying to help them to  
get aid from the West. The biggest taboo in writing about Africa is  
to describe or show dead or suffering white people.

Animals, on the other hand, must be treated as well rounded, complex  
characters. They speak (or grunt while tossing their manes proudly)  
and have names, ambitions and desires. They also have family values:  
see how lions teach their children? Elephants are caring, and are  
good feminists or dignified patriarchs. So are gorillas. Never, ever  
say anything negative about an elephant or a gorilla. Elephants may  
attack people's property, destroy their crops, and even kill them.  
Always take the side of the elephant. Big cats have public-school  
accents. Hyenas are fair game and have vaguely Middle Eastern  
accents. Any short Africans who live in the jungle or desert may be  
portrayed with good humour (unless they are in conflict with an  
elephant or chimpanzee or gorilla, in which case they are pure evil).

After celebrity activists and aid workers, conservationists are  
Africa's most important people. Do not offend them. You need them to  
invite you to their 30,000-acre game ranch or 'conservation area',  
and this is the only way you will get to interview the celebrity  
activist. Often a book cover with a heroic-looking conservationist on  
it works magic for sales. Anybody white, tanned and wearing khaki who  
once had a pet antelope or a farm is a conservationist, one who is  
preserving Africa's rich heritage. When interviewing him or her, do  
not ask how much funding they have; do not ask how much money they  
make off their game. Never ask how much they pay their employees.

Readers will be put off if you don't mention the light in Africa. And  
sunsets, the African sunset is a must. It is always big and red.  
There is always a big sky. Wide empty spaces and game are critical— 
Africa is the Land of Wide Empty Spaces. When writing about the  
plight of flora and fauna, make sure you mention that Africa is  
overpopulated. When your main character is in a desert or jungle  
living with indigenous peoples (anybody short) it is okay to mention  
that Africa has been severely depopulated by Aids and War (use caps).

You'll also need a nightclub called Tropicana, where mercenaries,  
evil nouveau riche Africans and prostitutes and guerrillas and expats  
hang out.

Always end your book with Nelson Mandela saying something about  
rainbows or renaissances. Because you care.