[Reader-list] A B C s of Bengalis

[Naeem Mohaiemen]

This is totally oldie, but goodie...

My favorite bit is "Bengalis are the most non-violent violent people
around. When an accident happens they will shout and scream and curse
and abuse, but the last time someone actually hit someone was in
1979."

Author has obviously not been in Bangladesh in last 30 years.  :-)

-- Naeem

######

     A is for Office. This is where the average Kolkattan goes and
spends a day hard(ly) at work. If he is in the Government he will
arrive at 10, wipe his forehead till 11, have a tea break at 12, throw
around a few files at 12.30, break for lunch at 1, smoke an unfiltered
cigarette at 2, break for tea at 3, sleep sitting down at 4 and go
home at 5. It's a hard life!

     B is for Bhision ('Vision' for the uninitiated). For some reason
most of the Bengalis don't have good bhision. In fact in Kolkata most
people are wearing spectacles all the time. The effects of this show
in the city.

     C is for Chappell. This is the Bengali word for the Devil, for
the worst form of evil. In the night mothers put their kids to sleep
saying 'go to bed, or Chappel will come and take you away.'

     D is for Debashish. By an ancient law every fourth Bengali Child
has to be named Debashish. So you have a Debashish everywhere and
tying to get creative they are also called Deb, Debu, Deba with
variations like Debnath and Deboprotim thrown in.

     E is for Eeesh. This is a very common Bengali exclamation made
famous by Aishwarya Rai in the movie Devdas. It is estimated that on
an average a Bengali uses eeesh 10,089 times every year. (That's
counting eeesh and other eeesh-ish words).

     F is for Feesh. These are creatures that swim in rivers and seas
and are a favourite food of the Bengalis. Despite the fact that a fish
market has such strong smells, with one sniff a Bengali knows if a
fish is all right. If not he will say 'eeesh what feeesh is theesh!'

     G is for Good name. Every Bengali boy will have a good name like
Debashish or Deboprotim and a pet name like Shontuda, Chonti, and
Dinku. While every Bengali Girl will be Paromita or Protima as well as
Shampa, Champa and Tuki. Basically your nickname is there to kiil your
good name.

     H is for Harmonium. The Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar. Take
four Bengalis and a Harmonium and you have the successors to The
Bheatles!

     I is for lleesh. This is a feeesh with 10,000 bones which would
kill any ordinary person, but which the Bengalis eat with releeesh!

     J is for Jhola. No self-respecting Bengali is complete without
his Jhola. It is a shapeless cloth bag where he keeps all his
belongings and he fits an amazing number of things in. Even as you
read this there are 2 million jholas bobbling around Kolkata- and they
all look exactly the same!

     K is for Kee Kando. It used to be the favourite Bengali
exclamation till eeesh took over because of Aishwarya Rai (now Kee
Kando's agent is trying to hire Bipasha Basu).

     L is for Lungi. People in Kolkata manage to play football and
cricket wearing it. Now there is talk of a lungi expedition to Mt.
Everest.

     M is for Minibus. These are dangerous half buses whose antics
would effortlessly frighten the living daylights out of Formula 1 race
drivers.

     N is for Nangtoe. This is the Bengali word for Naked. It is the
most interesting naked word in any language!

     O is for Oil. The Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil
will cure anything from cold (oil in the nose), to earache (oil in the
ear), to cough (oil on the throat) to piles (oil you know where!)

     P is for Phootball. This is always a phavourite phassion of the
Kolkattan. Every Bengali is born an expert in this game. The two
biggest clubs there are Mohunbagan and East Bengal and when they play
the city comes to a stop.

     Q is for Queen. This really has nothing to do with the Bengalis
or Kolkata, but it's the only Q word I could think of at this moment.
There's also Quilt but they never use them in Kolkata.

     R is for Rabi Thakur. Many years ago Rabindranath got the Nobel
Prize. This allows everyone in Kolkata to frame their acceptance
speeches and walk with their head held high and look down at Delhi and
Mumbai!

     S is for Sardarjee whom Bengalis are very envious of because he
is born with a semi-monkey cap on.

     T is for Trams. Hundred years later there are still trams in
Kolkata. Of course if you are in a hurry it's faster to walk.

     U is for Ambrela. When a Bengali baby is born they are handed one.

     V is for Violence. Bengalis are the most non-violent violent
people around. When an accident happens they will shout and scream and
curse and abuse, but the last time someone actually hit someone was in
1979.

     W is for Water. For three months o f the year the city is
underwater and every year for the last 200 years the authorities are
taken by surprise by this!

     X is for X mas. It's very big in Kolkata, with Park Street fully lit up.

     Y is for Yastarday. Which is always better than today for a Bengali.

     Z is for Jeebra, Joo, Jip and Jylophone.