[Reader-list] Halal comedy? You might as well ask for halal bacon

[Pawan Durani]

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/apr/12/comedy-pakistan-religion-sex-halal

The organiser said not to talk about religion, sex or the president.
But when you tell a comedian not to do something …




In all the countries that I have travelled to to perform standup
comedy – the United States being a regular destination – I have never
been held up or interrogated at customs. Or I hadn't, until I arrived
in Pakistan last week. I spent six hours at Lahore customs, as I did
not have a visa in my British passport to enter the country. The
people who organised my gig had mistakenly assumed that because my
parents were born in Pakistan and I too am brown, they would
automatically let me in.

The customs officer asked: "Are you Pakistani?" Yes. "Where were you
born?" England. "That makes you a foreigner." I get called a foreigner
in my parents' country of birth, and I get called a foreigner in my
own country of birth.

He looked through my passport, which is filled with US visas. He said:
"Are you a spy?" No, I'm a standup comedian. "What's that?" I tell
jokes. "And will you be doing that in this country?" Yes. "Oh, is this
the entertainment for the Taliban?" he asked, quite seriously. No, I
replied.

He said: "What I should do is deport you, but if you give me $100,
I'll see what I can do."

I paid it. I got in.

My first performance took place at the Lahore University of Management
Sciences (Lums). The audience was made up mainly of lecturers and
students, and as I arrived I was told: "Don't worry about performing –
we've stepped up security because people knew you were coming."

The fact that there needed to be security at all to tell jokes
indicated danger. Pakistan is a sexually repressed country, and that
is the root of many of its problems.

The last time I performed in Lahore I was told: "You can talk about
anything you like – religion, politics, drugs, you can swear and
curse, just don't mention 'The Sex'."

Any sexual words or connotations were banned – because in Pakistan
there is no mention of sex on television, radio, or in public.

In Lahore this time I am told by armed security personnel before going
on stage: "Be careful, it's best you only do halal comedy." Halal
comedy? There is no such thing. That's like saying, I only eat halal
bacon.

I had some requests from members of the audience who came to my
dressing room before the show to ask me specifically to do jokes about
sex and religion. Which is what I had intended to do, anyway.

After the gig I had to have two armed bodyguards outside my bedroom
while I slept. (That's no use: I need uniformed men in my bed, not
outside it.)

I then went to perform two hours away in Karachi. The audience
consisted of young people, old people, women in burqas and groups of
men – all sitting on the floor together. The doors were locked as soon
as all the audience were in, and once again armed security guards
stood outside.

On arrival I was told by the organiser: "The Pakistani Taliban are
infiltrating down to the outskirts of Karachi now, so be careful with
what you say. It's best not to talk about religion, or sex, and don't
mention the word "gay"." Why? "Because gay doesn't exist in Pakistan,"
she explained.

Pakistan believes it has freedom of speech, but the only freedom you
have is to comply with the speech they want to hear. She continued:
"There is a law against making any jokes about President Zardari. You
cannot make any jokes about him in public and you are not allowed to
text any jokes to your friends about him, otherwise you will be put in
prison."

When you tell a comedian not to do something, well. I made a joke
about President Zardari. The audience loved it. They laughed like they
had never laughed before.

The people in authority in Pakistan are telling the public what they
can and cannot say, how to behave and what to wear – and this is
totally incongruous with what the people really want. All the things
the audience laughed at are the things they are most repressed about.
Jokes about sex, religion and politics got the most laughter.

After the show I was invited to a party. I walked in, to be offered a
joint of marijuana, followed by a joint of opium, followed by vodka
and then a discussion on porn.

I was asked: "What's your favourite porn film?" I have never watched
porn. I tried to lie but I couldn't think of a porn movie, so I told
the truth: I've never watched porn. This was met with "You've never
watched porn? Let us show you some!"

A collection of 600 films was pulled out from behind the bookcase. I
was then offered a male Russian hooker for the night.

There it is – the hypocrisy of a sexually repressed, censored society:
I can't say "gay" on stage, but after the show, opium and prostitutes
are on offer.