[Reader-list] Afghan Mountains Surrender!

[rehan ansari]

AFGHAN MOUNTAINS SURRENDER!
Those Who Said Bombs Wasted on Mountains Proved Wrong 

Pamir Knot, Afghanistan (SatireWire.com) — After weeks
of relentless bombing that has taken a devastating
toll, the mountains of Afghanistan unconditionally
surrendered to the United States today. 

U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, credited with
targeting the attacks, announced the topographic
capitulation in a press conference this morning, and
insisted the mountains themselves have always been a
prime objective in the fight against the al-Qaeda
network and the ruling Taliban. 
 

"We said from the outset that those harboring
terrorists were just as culpable as the terrorists
themselves, and the mountains of Afghanistan were
harboring terrorists," said Rumsfeld. "Also, if we
include the mountains, more than 90 percent of our
bombs have hit their targets." 

Responding to complaints from Afghans that many bombs
had hit people and weapons, Rumsfeld conceded there
was "some collateral damage," but insisted many
mountains were parked in residential areas. 

According to eyewitnesses, day and night raids by U.S.
and British forces have shattered and demoralized the
Hindu Kush, the westernmost extension of the Karakorum
Mountains, and the Himalayas, which push from the
Pamir Knot into central Afghanistan. Those who have
traveled along many of the high passes and ridges in
the country say the scene is one of utter
devastatation. 

"It is difficult to talk about, but there are
literally pieces of mountain all over the place," said
one Saudi journalist. "From all indications, these
were direct hits. They never had a chance." 

"Yes, it is horrible," added one Peshawar shopkeeper.
"Everything looks just as it did before the bombing." 

For Afghanistan's neighbors, the surrender staves off
an unprecedented mountainarian crisis, as hundreds of
peaks, fleeing the war, were arranged in makeshift
refugee ranges along the borders with Pakistan and
Tajikistan. 

"We feel for these mountains, but many of them are
7,000 meters (23,000 feet), and we lack an adequate
ski resort industry to absorb them," said a Tajik
government spokesman. 

U.S. allies were also relieved, and said they hoped
America would be satisfied with this victory, and
would not seek to expand the conflict by declaring war
on other mountain ranges in nearby Iran or
Turkmenistan. 

With the mountains defeated, President George Bush
said the United States will now turn to the
diplomatically difficult task of mountain-building in
an effort to one day bring the Afghan mountains into
the international family of mountains. While no plan
is yet in place for the restructuring, it is believed
any such effort will have to include forces from the
U.S. Geological Survey. 

Bush also warned that the overall campaign is far from
complete. 

"People said we could not win in Afghanistan. They
said we would be wasting our bombs on mountains," said
Bush. "We proved them wrong, but we still face a very
tough, very determined adversary, and we urge
patience. Finding and destroying all these Red Cross
centers will take time." 
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