[Reader-list] thinking in a crowd

[shveta]

dear all, 

wanted to share a text by shamsher from the compughar (ghar - house). 
passionate about photography, shamsher (ali bhai, as he likes to be called :) 
is 17 years old. the compughar is a year and a half old cybermohalla media 
lab at JP basti (settlement) in Central Delhi. this text has been translated 
from hindi.

best
shveta

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Sawalon ke kinare
the edges of questions

We keep walking in life. And in this duration, many passed by moments leave 
with us their memory. Many questions from these stay hovering in our mind. 
Which cause us delight, or pain. Sometimes we feel, 'that was a good thing 
that happened.' Sometimes, 'that was bad, but that is how it should have 
been'. How do we guage what is good, what is bad. When it is this 
'assessment' of ours that causes us sadness, or happiness. Why are we so keen 
to have every story have a 'turn' (mod)! Seated on a boat of thought, why do
we start waiting for a new 'question fish' (sawal machhli)? Sometimes thought 
becomes heavy, and questions slip out of our hands. That's when you don't get 
sleep at night. How quickly we start rummaging through, turning around and 
examining the days gone by, our today, and the days to come. When this 
happens with me, it's not like it doesn't feel good. When I run out of this, 
I turn to looking closely at my house. And start looking at the cracks in the 
walls, making all kinds of shapes with them. I laugh. And I also get 
frightened. A joker's face, then a dog. But when I make out of them a painful
face, I feel a strange fear. Why are his eyes on me alone? What does he want 
from me? I turn into him and keep asking myself these questions and getting 
scared. And then, when this thought breaks, I laugh at him, and at myself. 
What was I doing? Why should I get frightened of this creation of my looking? 
I created him, with my thinking.

Right now, I am sitting on the roof of my house. It's a very sunny morning 
today.  I'm enjoying writing as well. Now I understand why ammi, my brothers 
and sisters sit here. Right now, many eagles are flying, over my head. 
Because a man is feeding them. He throws a piece of meat up, towards them.  
His eyes are on the eagles. Then how must the eagles feel? Is that a common 
look (aam nazar) for them? Every man on a roof gives them a peice of meat. 
And they sit on the roof of the hospital, enjoying their peice. What must the 
man feel about this? What must he make out of it, of what he is doing? If we
stand in a crowd, look at one another, what will the eye of the crowd say to 
us? Get away, make way! How many looks there must be in our look. How many 
can we make out? Why do we ask questions, seek answers about these looks? 
Jump into the ocean of thinking, and tire ourselves out, swimming. And when 
we don't find the shore, why do we kill our thought? By saying we don't know 
it, what do we care about it? But once, my mother asked me to get milk. I 
refused. Don't know how ammi felt about my refusal. She didn't say anything 
to me and kept looking at me, silently. And I left. My mother's face and 
looks kept appearing before me and my thoughts. Thinking these thoughts, 
singing a song, I went to the [video] Game [parlour]. That look chased me 
even there. This kept going through my head and finally, I found the edge of 
these questions, and went straight home. And said to ammi, hurry, I'll get 
the milk. Handing me the money, ammi said, 'just now you'd refused and left?' 
I could have lied in reply. But I had no truth as response to give her. I put 
the question in the boat and set it to sail and lose itself in the ocean. 
Quickly, I packed my things and came back to my world.

It's not like this always. Sometimes, time stands still. How much ever we  
want, time doesn't move ahead, and we remain troubled. About what will 
happen. Our one thought stays with us for not one, but even three to four 
days. During which we can't do anything properly, neither can we reach any 
conclusion/decision. Some thought travels a long distance in a brief time. 
But with these, we usually laugh, nothing else happens. (There is always one 
difficulty - do we know what it is that we think.) In our everyday life, we
knit or make many dreams. But making these in a crowd is enjoyable in a 
completely different sense.  Like this, we make it not only by thinking it, 
but also seeing it. Sometimes these imagined dreams save us from many wrongs. 
(Sometimes many questions betray us.) What do my friends think about me, of 
me? If I sit down with this question, it will seem very random, confused. 
Every friend has an expectation of a friend. Which is what probably keeps the 
friendship. I want for my friends to remain away from bad company, or doing 
things because of which their parents or people say hurtful things. Life goes 
on. And with that, so does thought. Everyday, there is a new thought, the
story of which is related with, stuck to every other thought. We can do 
anything in life, but we make one mistake, and we become bad. In this world, 
on our way to searching our destination, we share or change our thoughts with 
co-travellers. And a new story starts in our head. A story that changes or 
turns over with the next traveller we chance by. What else do we need? What 
can we not do with thought, thinking. Where all can we not go. But to go into 
the depths of thinking, we need a pass, and the name of that is QUESTION...

Shamsher
compughar at sarai.net